Monday, February 27, 2006
Haiz I should be doing my S paper questions now but very sian lah, so shall talk about something :p
Well I do not know whether this is fate or not. In primary six, I had a crush on the girl sitting beside me for almost the whole year. But of course, it was just one-sided, who will fall for a childish kid like me back then? I can still remember that she always lacked an eraser to use so I bought an eraser for her from the bookshop and gave it to her. So my crush on her lasted the whole of primary six and when it was time to leave our primary school, she returned the eraser to me. At that time I was still young to understand, so I took back the eraser. And when the PSLE results came out, I went to TCHS while she went some other school. I wanted to ask how she did but I guessed I was just too shy and so we went our ways. It was a coincidence that we got to meet again. I was walking to take the bus when I saw her back in our primary school with her friends. That was when I got to know her school, NHSS. However I pretended not to see her even though she called out my name. What a fool I was, I should have gone over to talk to her and off my opportunity went. So I carried on with my life as a secondary school student in one of the top schools in Singapore.
Then life is full of coincidences, when I was in secondary 3, I got to know a girl who studied in the school opposite the road. It was by pure coincidence, I am serious, that I got to know her. We started a MSN conversation and I found out more things about her. It turns out that she took third language as well. I could tell that she was a very friendly girl and she had a lot of friends. We became friends and it was through her that I got to know her best friend. Both of them were in the same CCA and both took Japanese as well. At first we communicate through MSN and by phone. Although we could meet easily during third language, both of us had not seen each other before. I was shy and she too so it took a while before we finally met. After that, we kept messaging constantly, resulting in me exceeding my free 700 SMS limit at that point of time. We chatted and SMSed a lot. Sometimes we even joked about how long this would last. Soon, I began to feel that I care about her a lot. I longed for her replies to my SMS and when she never replied, I would get anxious. I supposed that all this indicated that I had a crush on her. We encouraged each other in our studies. She also admit that she had a crush on me. But we never really got steady and soon we were talking about how long it would take before we lost interest in each other. There was nothing to prevent it. Sooner or later, we would find nothing to talk about anymore. I still remembered that there was one time when I made her angry and for the next month, we did not talk at all. I was quite worried and my imaginary ran wild, thinking of all sorts of things that could happen. Ever since then our frequency of SMSes decrease drastically and we hardly talk anymore. It seems as if we had once again become strangers. Our friendship somehow just died...
This post sure has a lot of coincidences lor or Singapore is a small place after all. Guess what? Both girls got into NJ after first three months! Maybe this is fate ba. It is giving me chances to get back what I had missed. But sadly, there was no fuel to ignite the spark between us again. I think we would, at the most, remain as friends then.
Seriously, how do you differentiate the love that you give to others? How do you know whether you are loving someone like a sibling or like someone you would treasure deeply? I am confused and I do not know how I should like this particular person C. Should I treat her like my sibling and give her sibling love; like a close friend, someone who I can share my feelings with and confide in; or maybe as a person I truly and deeply like. My various feelings are trying to gain control over one another and this has bothered me for some time. When will I ever figure out what my true feelings are? I guess I really need to sit down and clear my thoughts out. But when will I get the time to do so? Homework is starting to pile up. I must stop giving myself stress. Always take everything at ease. That's what I believe in, yup.
Guess I should get back to my S paper questions, haiz
hellmos signing off...
My mind's unweaving/ 5:58 pm
